2012 Review

2012 Review
By Damon Fillman

What happens when Sony Pictures has a surplus of cash, a drought of ideas and a relentless will to produce awful films? A Hollywood disaster movie, both literally and figuratively, is released that takes advantage of a global hoax that many people have become susceptible to.

In 2012, written and directed by Roland Emmerich, Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) simultaneously battles the burden of a divorce and the apocalypse, which is the product of a galactic alignment that forces a massive shift in the Earth’s tectonic plates resulting in global tidal waves and just all out hell. If that doesn’t make any sense, don’t fret, you are not alone, because it doesn’t make any sense. Even the 2012 scenario this movie is based on is far different than the movie’s plot. To be fair, the actual 2012 scenario was made up as well, but the truth behind the 2012 mythology is that there is no mythology. The Mayan calendar just happens to stop on December 21, 2012 and because there is no reasonable explanation to this, someone decided to capitalize off people’s fears and gullibility, resulting in this bad movie and this review.

Jackson Curtis relies on a shoddy conspiracy theorist played by Woody Harrelson to provide him a map containing the location of multi-billion dollar arks that can withstand the pressure and force of a tsunami. What’s ironic about Harrelson’s character is that he is portrayed as the comic relief; a humorous hippie that has a strange affection for pickles. And yet, Curtis ignores Harrelson’s odd behavior and relies on his map to save him and his family, who actually despise Curtis in the beginning of the film and then adore him at the conclusion (because Curtis is all gung-ho, saving the family from catastrophe, but it doesn’t hurt that his ex-wife’s boyfriend dies a horrible death, leaving his ex-wife with no choice but to reunite with Curtis).

And speaking of the ex-wife’s boyfriend, known as Gordon (Thomas McCarthy), who through predictable dialogue reveals he is only a student pilot, manages to overcome catastrophic obstacles that would make Captain Sullenberger wince.

Apparently, it takes a disaster to bring a dysfunctional family and marriage back together. This would be completely believable if it wasn’t used in another Hollywood disaster remake called War of the Worlds starring Tom Cruise. At least in that film we have the charming Dakota Fanning carry us through a flat depiction of H.G. Wells’ classic, but in this film we have to suffice with actors and actresses too bored to maintain a believable performance. You might ask, how can they be bored? There is so much action and drama depicted on screen! I would respond by mentioning that the cast reacts to the on screen thrills with a cold and hollow look every single time. If the Earth was essentially collapsing around you and you were diving in and out of falling debris on a tiny airplane, wouldn’t you be slightly distraught? At least for more than five minutes?

And the movie is too long. Clocking in at almost three hours. Because of the length of the film, I expect the characters to have much more depth, but all that I am left with is doubt pertaining to the validity of Curtis’ renewed relationship with Kate Curtis (Amanda Peet) and confusion regarding the actual catastrophe. The explanation of the 2012 fiasco is told through a flash video (really) attempting to simplify the disaster, but it ends up presenting more holes within the plot.

I hate disaster movies. Simply put. They are cheesy, melodramatic, too long and have themes so surfaced and weak that a dog without it’s snout can discover them. I hope that Hollywood learns its lesson, but certainly this won’t be the case because the movie has already grossed over $200 million.