Sex, Drugs and hey, get the f*** off me!

Sex, drugs and...hey, get the fuck off me!
By Damon Fillman

As the title suggests, I am proposing a new slogan for generation Y, one involving the animosity that we feel after we do a line of coke on the rim of some dive bar's crapper, and find out that the tramp we just dick-slapped is suggesting we sleep over her house. I have two words for ya baby....fuck off!

Yes, that's right, generation Y is candid and pragmatic and fully aware of our self-fulfilling prophecy, one that involves little to no charity and plenty of cocaine, or more realistically, plenty of crushed up Percocet that we sip orally through a swirly straw. Let's face it guys, we grew up in the suburbs, and the only thing we've ever blown is our unkempt NES carts. Don't deny it. You're a fucking dweeb.

And here's a message for all you Elvis impersonators: we don't like to twist or shake our hips. Rock N Roll is for pussies. We enjoy music that makes our long, knotted hair bounce intensely along with the sludge of a heavily distorted bass guitar. In fact, we practically re-invented the masculine male, minus the affinity for plaid shirts and obnoxiously large bifocals (which apparently only come in black frames). We grew up watching Tom Green sucking on cow utters. That shit's edgy. You think your little Rock N Roll antics will impress us?

Remember September 11th? We pretended we were emotionally affected around our parents, but at night we loled all over AIM's infinite text field....lololololololololololollolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol. Yes, we're sick, but we blessed you with Facebook and the Smartcar, so shut the fuck up.

What do you expect from a generation raised by Seinfeld and Super Mario Bros? We're narcissistic, Jewish-Italian plumbers who believe in a social safety net, as long as you stay the fuck away from me at the welfare store (yes, that's an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference). I mean, people matter, and peace on earth is a reachable goal; I think we should take the necessary steps to ensure that all people of all....oh fuck, sorry I just fragged some noob on Quake 3 lol.

If my thoughts seem cluttered that's because they are. I have an endless amount of entertainment accessible through the click of a mouse and focusing on one subject can be difficult. No, not that kind of mouse you stupid bloke. I wish you HAD died on the Titanic. You fought in World War II so I could watch the keyboard cat? lol chauvinism.

So what's the point of my rambling? There is no point and there is no god (yes, that's a lower-case g). We don't give a fuck about your age-old traditions, your daring rock music, or your "sage" advice. I'm too busy preparing a virtual annexation of your Farmville estate to give a shit about your life-changing editorials and social commentary. How can we respect people who think a 2,000 year-old man will resurrect and reunite the world? Perhaps Michael Jackson was the second-coming of Christ.... oops, too late lol.